The dark online world: conspiracy, paranoia, accusations and lots of WTF’s

There were hundreds of thoughts pouring through my brain when starting to write this, so bare with me and humor me if you have to. I just had to write this one down.

Until a little while ago i thought that the online world was pretty balanced, given the circles i have been hanging around. It turns out, i do not know crap about it.
My online world has been spinning around freeware and web apps, reviews, and commenting on political issues – issues that are very concerning.

Every now and again i have been called a leftist, a right-wing, an anti-Semitic for speaking against the wars, against the occupation of Palestine, but i know better that labeling doesn’t really work for me.
Call me and label me what you want but if i think harming people is wrong, your label will not work on me. I will take that as an attempt to quiet me down and i refuse to do that. Tough luck if you bump into me.
BUT, when someone accuses you of being a spy of some sort and questions your good intentions…now that is something that doesn’t happen in my world.
It makes you wonder into what kind of headcase have you just bumped into.

I am not an activist. Let me clear that up for you.  I do not think you have to be an activist to defend something or point out when something wrong happens.
Your decent common-sense, your humanity will dictate to you to whether speak or not when something terrible happens such as: killing, oppression, torture, invasion, abuse of women and children, abuse of children by the priests, human trafficking, destroying the nature, putting people in jail for having a conscience …. I can go on.
Now, depending on which corner of the world you are, you might be able to express that freely or you might end up being attacked, as i recently found out.

Let me explain…

A week ago i had a harsh post written for someone and i chose to draft it. It wasn’t an attack post because i would never do that; it was a post about 2 crashing worlds: my world as i know it and as it happens to me and a mister X world as it happens to him.
It was about a common concern which i am able to talk freely about and not hide myself, while mister X (as i am being told) is not.

My intentions have been questioned and i have been given a link to a post on counter-intelligence, letting me understand that i am under suspicion of being a spy. To tell you how i felt that night would make this a long post, so i will cut it short and just say that it now makes me laugh, but think twice about my reactions to people that really feel in danger – a danger that i do not know and i do not have to live with, but i should be more sensible about.

I did not know what to think about the accusation – sick jokes are made every day, so i shared the conversation i had with some friends. Some called mister X a crazy person, some said that he just wants to show to me how important he was, some laughed and said i should have played along, and some others said that i should at least try to understand him.
What I really thought initially was that he was a very disturbed man, making a sick joke.

Dunno really what raised that suspicion and frankly i do not want to know anymore. It could have been the links i shared with a certain group of people about wrong doings by a certain country, or my message about having their message heard via Avaaz.org petitions, or maybe my comments – which to everyone else are comments defending the oppressed. It must have been that. Just being sarcastic here.
Or it must have been my looks. Yes, it must have been that.
For the record, i do not give much importance to my looks as others do and overdoing it in complimenting me on my looks leaves me cold. I discard them as soon as i see them.
What i do, is care for myself as a woman and show my feminine side that i have been born with. I know what i have but i do not think i have it to exploit it.

Anyway….

In my world, on this side of the world, we do not get suspicions about people trying to help…though we all know that no good act happens out of selflessness.  We know that is that selfish thought, that rewarding feeling that we all get from helping someone. We accept it as it comes.

On the other side of the world (as i came to realize), there is much paranoia, lots of attacks, lots of conspiracies, theories, lots of things that are out of my range of understanding, lots of things that do not happen here.
I came to realize that the deeper you go researching into that world, the darker and uglier it gets. It’s nothing for me.
It’s a world that always makes me spit up words like: “What the hell?”, “What the f***k!” ,”What is wrong with you?”, “Why you of all sperm eggs made it?”.

My point in the drafted post was about paranoia and suspicion paralyzing one’s ability to distinguish between genuinely good people and the ones trying to get to you. Things like that clouds your judgement and makes you accuse people of the most ridiculous things out of the blue and with no explanation….. but then again, we are humans with a very complex psychology and a brain more mysterious than the core of a star. Human behavior always intrigues me.

Mister X might not be as crazy as i think he is and he might have a legit fear for his life or his cause – as i have come to realize – but i am probably the last person on this planet to go after him, after anyone for all i know.

The biggest difference between people like me and mister X is probably the choice of rather staying naive than alert and i would rather wear my pink eyeglasses as one troll said once to me, than go nuts on everyone.

I trust people by default until they show that they are not trustworthy and i will not change that in myself. I choose to stay a good and decent human being because it gives me more satisfaction at the end of the day.
I cannot imagine myself being on constant alert about everyone, every day and night. It must feel like hell.

The conclusion i came to is that there is a whole online world out there full of doubts, fear, questions, conspiracies, paranoia, bad intentions…you name it, you find it there somewhere. It took a man to open that world to me and he did not succeed because of his accusations; it was my curiosity that did that and made me search and i wish i could undo it. I wish i had a checkpoint to reload.
Apparently people are being hunted and harassed  for standing up for a cause. Apparently, there is a lot of aggressiveness online.

Offline aggression is something that has been happening to us for thousands of years and i am well aware of many events and well aware of the reality; we got so used to it and accepted as it was and we took it online, the only place that should be quiet, free and peaceful.

I am not an activist, conspiracy theorist, religious, anti-government. I am a simple woman, a humanist, who loves the skies and looks up the stars wondering if somewhere there might be a world just like ours but without all the crazy things happening to us, then looks around and gets pissed at our incapability to grow the hell up, stop killing each other and make the next step in our evolution.

There is so much wrong with us and the worse thing of all is that we know it, we see it and we do not do anything about it. We go on as if we will be here forever and we just HAVE to live with what is happening….like we just HAVE to look away and go on. We have one shot at this life. Make that shot well-worth it. Be peaceful, be good, be tolerant.

I long for the day when i will open my eyes and i will be able to breath, finally breath peace. I hope i get to live to breath that day.

Leave a Reply